A Few Words to the Chronic Repeat Offenders…
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, for the folks who have been through the system numerous times before this, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
You have the right to remain silent. So… SHUT UP! The police are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested.
When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a OWI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “Uni-Bonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.
Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking five generic cigarettes to cover up bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
Understand that I am a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. It is quite possible that I will not find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t go into a rant about being victimized. I did not beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that convenience store, sell that meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I am the one telling you about them.
Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling, or telling me I’m not doing anything for you. This does not inspire me, nor does it help by leaving nine messages in seventeen minutes as this tends to reduce my enthusiasm, especially on Saturday night and early Sunday morning.
For the guys: Please don’t tell me how to do my job. You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. One might only surmise that your performance in other areas is just as spectacular.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and that you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that you stop stealing. I do wish you’d stop beating your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you are not allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. And one more thing, do not think that I am amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.”
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right –neatness does count. Just clean up! When you rob the store, why leave your wallet? When you drive into the front of a party store, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.
If you are being chased by the police and you have dope in your pocket, why insist on keeping it? With due respect, and despite what you see on TV, most police are hard working but not geniuses. True, a good number of them may be out of shape, but most just want to go home at night. They are not likely to scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of weed. But they will check your pockets. Two grams of your paid for smoke is doubtfully not worth six months of jail.
Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. In the parlance of our time.. girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet and had your mini skirt on… and you were stealing! That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.
You have the right to remain silent. So… SHUT UP! The police are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested.
When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a OWI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “Uni-Bonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.
Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking five generic cigarettes to cover up bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
Understand that I am a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. It is quite possible that I will not find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t go into a rant about being victimized. I did not beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that convenience store, sell that meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I am the one telling you about them.
Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling, or telling me I’m not doing anything for you. This does not inspire me, nor does it help by leaving nine messages in seventeen minutes as this tends to reduce my enthusiasm, especially on Saturday night and early Sunday morning.
For the guys: Please don’t tell me how to do my job. You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. One might only surmise that your performance in other areas is just as spectacular.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and that you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that you stop stealing. I do wish you’d stop beating your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you are not allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. And one more thing, do not think that I am amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.”
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right –neatness does count. Just clean up! When you rob the store, why leave your wallet? When you drive into the front of a party store, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.
If you are being chased by the police and you have dope in your pocket, why insist on keeping it? With due respect, and despite what you see on TV, most police are hard working but not geniuses. True, a good number of them may be out of shape, but most just want to go home at night. They are not likely to scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of weed. But they will check your pockets. Two grams of your paid for smoke is doubtfully not worth six months of jail.
Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. In the parlance of our time.. girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet and had your mini skirt on… and you were stealing! That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.
Further points to consider:
"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense.
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense, it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense; plan on not having to change your address for a while.
For those clients that say thank you, leave a voice message, send a card… you are very welcome. I keep them all the cards and notes, and they keep me going more than the increase in diet soda.
For the people out there who ask me how I can sleep at night defending the accused: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
